My Feelings Are Like A Yo-Yo

My husband David and I have had our house on the market for over a year. We even had a buyer and three days before closing, things went haywire and the deal fell through. My house was (and still is for the most part) packed up. So here we are living mostly packed and our house back on the market.

During this year-long ordeal, my feelings regarding selling our first home have yo-yo-ed. One day I want to cry, sad to leave my first house. I end up wanting to spend the rest of my days in the house where David and I rebuilt our lives after restoration. Other times I want to speed up the process and move onto the next chapter of our lives.

I expressed my feelings to David and was a little surprised that he also is experiencing the same yo-yo feelings of should we stay or should we go.  Funny enough, his reasons were more practical whereas mine were mostly emotional and nostalgic.

I am reminded of a time in my life where my feelings drastically changed from one minute to the next. David was gone and living his life. One day I would cry wanting to save my marriage and keep the vows I made to my husband. Sometimes the crying was for a much less noble reason and I wanted to ring his neck for betraying and abandoning me. Other days, I vowed to move on with my life and not care about him being as he didn't care about me. It was an exhaustive time in my life.

After David and I reconciled, he admitted to me that he too faced those same yo-yo feelings. He often times considered returning home and then decided against it for one reason or another. I was shocked to hear such a revelation. I would have never guessed it. He always seemed so sure of his decision to leave.

Are you experiencing the "Should I stand or should I go" conundrum? I have learned and have been reminded that emotions and feelings are poor substitutes for God's guidance. Our emotions are so unsteady and swaying just like a yo-yo. But God is constant and His word never changes.

In retrospect, I can see how the enemy was at play in those days. Fueled by anger and melancholy usually ended in my decision to no longer stand in the gap. My most rational and spirit filled decisions came from God's word and through meditation.

If you find yourself yo-yoing emotionally, I urge you to stand firm and grab ahold of the constant rock that never changes and offers a solid ground to stand firm on.

If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask him, and he will gladly tell you, for he is always ready to give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask him; he will not resent it. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to tell you, for a doubtful mind will be as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind; and every decision you then make will be uncertain, as you turn first this way and then that. If you don’t ask with faith, don’t expect the Lord to give you any solid answer.

                                                                                                                       James 1:5-8

The Holy Spirit guiding you, is never the wrong decision, no matter how others may feel or what they believe. Your journey is your own. God will talk to you about you if you are truly seeking His counsel. Trust that stirring within. God calls us to move in ways we can hardly begin to comprehend. Its how He builds faith and how HE gets the glory.


Endure It Better

I have tried many times to start a post and each time I haven't felt the spirit move me to write. I have literally sat at my laptop and stared at a blank screen urging the spirit in me. However, the spirit doesn't move that way. While in prayer this morning, I asked God to help me understand the disconnect I felt. He told me to seek Him more. Read more. Pray more. Endure it better.

In my life I have been facing a trial that has beaten me down immensely for over a year. I have had my ups and downs winning and losing battles. It seems lately that my losses outweigh my victories and for lack of a better term I feel defeated. I am tired and can barely lift my hands for another round of battles.

I realized that today in reading and in prayer. I have not endured my suffering well. That shames me. I have allowed bitterness, reluctance, confusion and doubt in my life. The constant battles wore me down and I allowed it. I thought back to my days of  being the most content with Christ and it was during one of the most difficult trials of my life. Yet during that time, I had such a strong relationship with God that I had joy in the midst of my trial.  Why don't I have that now?

I have become complacent in my walk with God. My brain knows what the bible says but somewhere along the way, my heart forgot it. I know God loves me but somewhere along the way my heart doesn't quite remember so much. I know I love God but somewhere along the way I got caught up in life and my relationship with Him took a backseat. How did this happen?! I go to church twice a week. I serve in ministry...a lot! I pray for a few minutes before bed or when I wake up. I read my bible plan almost everyday on the Bible App. I pray for people and over people. It isn't enough.

My shell of an empty Christian life is most evident in the depths of my heart. In the disconnect I felt during prayer when I realized it had been such a long tme that I actually waited quietly for God to speak to me rather than me doing all the talking, as had become my custom. The silence was awful. The response even worse. I realized how my daily plans and short prayers were pointless and a waste of time. God wants my heart and not my gestures. He wants me to endure trials better because it is during those trials that I should draw nearer and closer to Him and then I will be victorious through Him and only Him. He urged me to pray more, read more and endure it better. Not because I had to "do" something but because He misses me.

My complacency, while wrong, is not what bothers me most. It was my lack to endure my trial better. I belittled my God. I made Him small in my world. I made Him insignificant. I hurt Him with my unwillingness to allow Him to fight for me. Lord, I am sorry.

Have you been beaten down by trials? Has your walk with God become routine? Are you enduring trials and life well?

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let[e]endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4