Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Wondering Wednesdays - #1


I get asked lots of question from wives who are standing or simply having marital troubles and I am always amazed at how someone on one side of the country is experiencing the exact same thing as someone else a thousand miles away. So I have decided that every Wednesday I will answer your thought provoking questions. And by all means, please feel free to send me your questions and I will try to answer them on Wednesday's blog post which I have dubbed Wondering Wednesdays.

I was wondering if your husband ever told you that he didn't love you when he left?


I have a running joke with women when I answer this question. I always say that men must have been given the same break-up handbook when they are boys to study and use when they grow-up because that is the go-to break-up line. Yes, my husband David, said he didn't love me anymore.

After David and I reconciled, we spoke about this very thing and what he told me astonished me. He told me that when he said he didn't love me anymore, he meant it with every fiber of his being. Talk about crushing!

If you find yourself in situation where your spouse has uttered these words to you, don't dismiss it. The hardening of hearts happens. And guess what? Pursuing a spouse with a hardened heart further pushes him or her away. The constant phone calls, texts, fb and social media messages makes your situation worse! If your spouse has filed (hardened heart) and you are refusing to sign the papers, your are further hardening their hearts toward you.

Think about it? If someone truly annoyed and frustrated you (someone other than your spouse) and constantly bothered you even though you have made it clear that you wanted them to leave you alone, how would that make you feel? Would the constant harassment make you want to spend time with them or even develop feelings of love for them? Of course not!

I had trouble understanding this until I thought about an old boyfriend that I broke up with and how much he annoyed me and wouldn't leave me alone once I told him that I wanted to end the relationship. Let's call him Phineas. I honestly couldn't think of another name...lol. Anyway, Phineas just couldn't understand that it was over. He called me all of the time or sent messages with my friends. He even tried to win me back by offering to pay for my college tuition. (Even thoughtful gestures can be taken as intrusive) When it dawned on me that I was Phineas in my relationship with my husband, I felt terrible. I made my husband feel the way Phineas made me feel.

Please don't be a Phineas! Love yourself and your spouse enough to give them space. My husband's heart eventually softened towards me and now he super duper loves me and now won't leave ME alone. Have you ever had a Phineas in your life or have you been behaving like a Phineas yourself?

I would love to hear your feedback. Leave a comment below!

If there is anyone actually named Phineas who just so happens to be reading this, I am truly sorry. I'm sure you are a lovely person. For the record, I don't know anyone named Phineas.

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for posting Erica. I don't consider myself at this point a Phineas. In the beginning I refused to sign the divorce papers which only prolonged the agony and pain I was in and looking back wish I had been submissive to him and complied We are divorced now but GOD has softened his heart toward me and we have talked and made amends and restoration looked promising but he has pulled away. I am giving my husband space now so GOD can deal with him. My thoughts now are if Restoration happens it will be because it is GOD's will and if it doesn't happen GOD has another plan for my life. Be Blessed.

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    1. Hi Anonymous. That is a good plan! God's plans are always better than our own. Sometimes people get scared that they are going back into a bad marriage and pull away. But that can be a good thing because it could mean that he has at least thought of returning. Space is exactly what God needs you to give so that He can work. I look forward to hearing how your love story unfolds.

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  2. Yes Erica he has thought of returning and even began attending church with me, going out on dates but still has issues with other women in his life. I just have to let him go and allow GOD to deal with him. Thanks for your comments.

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