Wondering Wednesdays #3 - Intimacy

I get asked lots of question from wives who are standing or simply having marital troubles and I am always amazed at how someone on one side of the country is experiencing the exact same thing as someone else a thousand miles away. So I have decided that every Wednesday I will answer your thought provoking questions. And by all means, please feel free to send me your questions and I will try to answer them on Wednesday's blog post which I have dubbed Wondering Wednesdays.

I was wondering if you and your husband were intimate during your separation?

In short, yes. David and I were intimate several times during our separation. The first time was a few weeks after he left and I thought we would be restored right then and there, but he fled from our apartment so fast my head spun. The look of regret on his face tormented me. Aferwards he told me that it could never happen again because it was sending me mixed signals and he had no intention of reuniting with me. Ouch!

That lasted a little while before we were intimate again. One thing led to another. That once again led to his informing me that it didn't change anything between us and my hopes fell flat again.

That happened several times and it wasn't long before I didn't want to be intimate with him at all. I felt cheap and used. I always complied however because he was still my husband and that was my duty. I hated that he was getting the best of both worlds. He had the benefits of a husband but didn't want to be one. The more I thought about that, the more I resented intimacy. 

In my anger I told him that once we were divorced there would be no more sex. It was just that plain and simple. He opened his eyes wide and laughed, but I was so deeply serious. 

There came a time when I had some women's health complications and David thought I could possibly be pregnant. I thought I saw a twinkle in his eye and I had mixed emotions. Would he come home if I was pregnant? If he did, would it be for the baby and not me. But at least he would be home. But he wasn't saved and how could I share my life with a nonbeliever. Turns out I wasn't pregnant and I know that was for the best. 

David and I continued intimacy throughout our separation and he later told me that he wasn't intimate with anyone else. I was so very grateful to hear it.

COMING SOON: I have a post coming up regarding sex during standing. This post was just my experience and not necessarily biblically accurate or inaccurate. 


  1. Thanks for your wonderful post. My husband and I are divorced and I will not be intimate with him since we are not legally married but often wonder if I would be intimate with him would that turn his heart toward home.

  2. Hi. Many wonder the same. I wondered if I had listened to my emotions and stopped being intimate would it have pushed him into the arms of someone else. I guess I will never know. I am looking forward to the post regarding intimacy. I hope I can answer your question with God given knowledge.

  3. I felt strongly that as his wife I was doing nothing wrong. I knew he was double minded and struggling with the decision to stay in the marriage or leave. I also knew that intimacy was something that he needed regularly as his wife and refusing him during this time would add fuel to the already burning fire. I never considered it a duty as his wife but rather a connection that he was only supposed to have with me.

    Kevin Leman's book "Sheet Music" was an eye opener for me in regards to how I had failed him time and time again throughout our marriage. some decisions I made during the storm were a result of my studying how to be a better wife... some God sent the help I needed in understanding him better. I dont regret the intimacy we had during our storm; I knew full well the battle he was under and his struggle. I also knew the risk I was taking on if he had been or was activly intimate with someone else.

    Now restored, I wouldnt change a thing. Incredible lessons were learned in the desert storm.

    1. Anonymous, in retrospect, I wish I could have been as mature. It was something that I struggled with throughout my journey. I am sure there are many others that felt the way you did and some that may feel the way I did. That is why is so important to give testimony so that others who can relate to our feelings and circumstances know that God is victorious no matter which circumstance.