By fourth grade, I was admitted into an excelled academics program and never looked back. I remember being in the fifth grade and had a major role in the school play and asking my aunt for helping learning my many lines. She refused to help me. I vowed never to ask anyone for help ever again. Rather than just learning my own lines, I memorized the entire play. Yep, I knew everyone's lines.
All the way through high school I was an honors student and graduated in the top ten percent of my graduating class, all on my own. I got my first real job at 14 and worked up until I got married. My parents provided for my basic needs but anything extra I had to work and pay for myself.
I am not complaining, however. It taught me the value of hard work and I appreciated what I earned. Nevertheless it also warped my thinking into believing that I had to do EVERYTHING on my own. You know the old adage, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." That was what I lived by. Admittedly I still have an issue asking anyone for help. If I don't know the answer to something, I research it until I do. Thats probably why I am so good at Trivia Crack...lots of useless information in my brain.
When it came time to letting go and letting God I was stuck. I simply didn't know how to do that. I wanted to, I really wanted to. In my heart I knew I couldn't do it better than He could, but my head wouldn't get out of the way. More times than I care to admit, I stuck my two cents into a situation that I had handed over to God and EVERY SINGLE TIME, I made things worse. I was so arrogant in my intelligence. I thought I always knew best.
I literally had to see myself fail over and over again before my head finally got the picture. I knew I was supposed to live by faith and all of that, but I just didn't know how to do that. I had to fall flat on face due to my own plans before I finally gave up.
So if you find yourself messing up many many times, please don't be discouraged. God is waiting in the wings ready and able to take over the reigns but only when you are ready to let go. It is only when you are at your wit's end and let go that He can truly move and than He may be glorified.
Don’t let the wise brag of their wisdom. Don’t let heroes brag of their exploits. Don’t let the rich brag of their riches. If you brag, brag of this and this only: That you understand and know me. I’m God, and I act in loyal love. I do what’s right and set things right and fair, and delight in those who do the same things. Jeremiah 9:23-24