I get asked lots of question from wives who are standing or simply having marital troubles and I am always amazed at how someone on one side of the country is experiencing the exact same thing as someone else a thousand miles away. So I have decided that every Wednesday I will answer your thought provoking questions. And by all means, please feel free to send me your questions and I will try to answer them on Wednesday's blog post which I have dubbed Wondering Wednesdays.
My spouse wants nothing to do with me. I was wondering how can I show them I've changed or convince them we can work it out?
More often than not, I get this question asked in two parts. The fact that I get this question asked in two parts (show them I've changed and convince them to work it out) is very telling. It tells me where the heart and mind of a stander is. Last week I touched on a little on this question. (Click here to read WW #5).
Whether your spouse wants nothing to do with you because of you (your words, attitude, actions, etc..) or because of them (they've moved on, hardened heart, etc...), wanting to make your marriage work is a painful experience. I often say and will continue to say that God is allowing your journey for a purpose and the main purpose is for restoration with Him BEFORE restoration with your spouse. Let me be clear. God DID NOT cause your marital problems, but He is waiting in the wings ready and able to be the husband you need (for wife standers) and an example of a what a good husband is (for husband standers).
He wants you to seek to please Him first and show HIM you've changed. Your spouse is secondary in the matter. Let me repeat...your spouse is secondary in the matter. Now, I'm sure there are some of you that think that is a load of bull. Congratulations for proving my point. How much have you really changed if you are more concerned with pleasing your spouse above God? Your words can fool me, Aunt Sue and Uncle Hugh but God can not be fooled. Check your heart and ask yourself if you have made an idol of your husband and even your marriage restoration above please God.
Convincing my hubby to work it out isn't my area of expertise. I failed at that more times than I care to count, but for the sake of this post I will give you a few examples. I wrote David a letter. FAIL. I begged. FAIL. I cried. FAIL. I argued. FAIL. I used the kids as an excuse (although valid, I was thinking more of myself... A big regret of mine). FAIL. I called him mercilessly. BIG FAIL. I quoted him scripture. BIGGEST FAIL. Those were all manipulation tactics.
I had to learn (after so many fails) that my job wasn't to convince or manipulate David to work it out. In retrospect, I am so glad that I had failed at convincing David to return. I had to learn what it felt like to be truly loved and how to truly love to know that I shouldn't have to convince or manipulate my spouse to come home. I only learned that after falling in love with Jesus and seeing how much He truly loved me and equally important, how much I purely loved Him. David had to have an encounter with God so he could find a relationship with God as I had. It was then that he decided he WANTED to come home, I didn't have to convince him of anything.
Here is my advice for you. Aim to please God and not man. Develop a loving relationship with God. And pray for your spouse to have an encounter with God. Not for the purpose of coming home because that is still making an idol of restoration. But because you want your spouse to have a relationship with God that will change his life for the better.